why this is happening to me??

hmm..those sad and happy moments suddenly came into my mind..makes my heart miserable and !@$%^&*...i don't know...feels like he deserve to feel it..feels like he shouldn't face those painful time..feels like...i just don't know..but what i wish for is...i wish i could be in love again..but there's one thing that i want to make it straight..time flew fast..i'm no longer the old me..i've changed and so do you..so don't ever take my attitude seriously...my inner side is still the same..the difference would only effect on my personality..

29 April is the worst day??

today is my last day at jb before i need to wait another year for me to come here again..did i mention that i miss those moment?? but every time i remembered the time when u celebrate her birthday..i just can't stop hating it...29 April is one of the wort day in my life...i don't know why but i keep saying that i hate you bcuz of that date..i'm sorry..

The most beautiful moment

U must be wondering why i suddenly remembered that day..hmm..it's bcuz i thought it was the greatest moment throughout my life..we were so close that time..we threw the flour all over the place..eventhough it was meant to celebrate ur friend's birthday but it became one of my precious moment too..i wish it could be like that all the time~

Remember the last spring

Haha..what do u know..you've been there..i wish u could see it with your own eyes but at the same time i wish you'll not see it cuz u'll might remember the old days and hurt ur feeling...just like u said..if only we could go together..just the 2 of us..it must be great..

i'm going home this saturday..huhuhu..did i just hoping that i can meet him and spent my time playing neither chating with him??? this is getting out of hand..why this is happening right now..they make my life feels miserable..

Date again?? No~

hmmm..it's weird isn't it?? shahrizal just chat with me on ws last night asking for couple..it's been 2 years since i didn't talk to him and it's been a year since i didn't see him but he still remember me?? and he said such nonsense thing such as he loves me and he miss me..hahaha weird..i guess i was right..i had the worst love line..but another weird thing did happen last night too....

Growing

petals blow in the wind, days grow longer

now walking down this road all night,

my hands aren't cold

your heavy name float up in the wind,

then drop by my feet

maybe you haven't left me yet either

sometimes i spend the day not reminded of you

sometimes i dream of someone other than you

but you keep flowering in my heart

in my heart, no no no no

you bloom, it hurts

up to the point no one else knows

i've live missing you

if i cried out loud

maybe i could've gotten over you better

i cry, my lips telling me of your heart

our love flutters away..

i swore i could carry on without you

i believed i'd get over you in a few seasons

but flowers like you flourish on the streets

again no no no no

it's cold spring again...

result??

it's great but at the same time still not enough effort that i put in it..2A, 1A-, 3B+ and 2B..hahaha..obciously no C but 60 for sejarah is pretty bad..but the most important thing is i'm a member of 5 Bakerara next year..i did take kak oat as my role model and as a result i get to be in the same class that she was in this year...but with new friends and most probably new dormates next year will be hard for me to face SPM...good luck puteri..you can do it..i just know it.. 

the only memories between us are only those picture...i really hope u realise about that..realise that you didn't spend most of your time with me...

until the end...she still didn't talk to me...didn't try to make jokes with me..didn't invited me to have some of those snack..didn't listen to what i said...didn't send me any letter that said thank u or what..i'm a bit dissappointed when the kad in my loker was from kak sofi...i'm glad but in the same time i feel hurt...this is our last day but u still didn't do anything with me or to me..

A letter from me to You

if u read this, then i guess u always read the rest of my post isn't it?? well then..i've something tolet u know..

Dear You,

it's my first time writing letter to you in a blog..obviously i'm afraid to tell u myself..remember the time when we first met?? i only remember back then that u are my neighbour when i saw u out of your house waiting for the bus..i was so awkward that day..especially when u talked to me for the first time asking me to get on the bus first..hmm...time flies fast aren't they? we went through many hard times together..but most of the time it was my fault..i know u well..so i know that u already moved on..hmm..i guess i'm the only one that still not moving on..i didn't mean to play your feeling..i just don't know what is...i want to nod my head yes but i keep saying no..isn't it??

i always remember the time when u saw me, crying in front of the dewan..and i said i cry bcuz i told my friend about korean drama..i did tell u it's becuz i told her about u..i guess i had the worst love line compare to my friends...i spoil everything..i broke my promise to syahmi to take care of your heart..to always make u happy..i guess i'm not the right person for that..

i say your name everyday since i came here..whether i'm sad or happy..it's bcuz i would really want u to know what i've been through here..it feels like all that happen to me here are punishment to me bcuz i once broke your heart...i felt guilty until i wrote letters to your every week but i don't think i can give it to you..

i wish we could go back to the old times..i'm willing to been through that hard time again as long as i can spent time with u...i want to be with u more than just a friend but i can't...i know this letter will only bother u..if u read this and u feel hurt..u can curse me how many times u want..but i hope..no i wish..we could spent this first week of school holiday together..just like how we did everyday those past years...i'm so sorry if this letter bother u..

                                                                                                                           your sincerily,
                                                                                                                                puteri

i try to endure these myself but i don't think i can bear it anymore..i'll try to ask for my parent permission to get out of this fu*king school and i'll do better next year when i'm at my old school..it's all bcuz of her..if it wasn't for her..i would stay here and don't even think to get out of this school..

it's not a great day at all..my dormmates seem to avoid talking to me..and that makes me wondering around and felt so so so lonely..esp zeti who i saw she was laughing with my friend and when i talk to her, she looked so stress.. i hate this feeling..and what makes me feel more sad is that i can't even tell my mom what's going on here..she sometimes okey..sometimes not..like just now she said that she wants to borrow my earphone a bit longer as nicely as she used to...i wonder  am i the only one who feel this? then i must be crazy..cuz i cry alone about things that never happen..

just now that i know that i'm not or never been a favour to them..maybe i'm just a nobody person..they not even want to do anything with me..and when i ask why..their answer was they don't want to..i'm so disappointed..having this title as headmaster of this dorm but not being heard is not a good thing to have...i saw her smilng but i saw it to that she only smile to me when it's just me and her..if there's anybody there..she never smile to me just like she smiled when i'm alone..but it's okey..as long as i can see her smile..

aku memang x fhm prasaan org ke?? memang itu ke aku sblm ni?? kenape x de sape yg tegur aku drpd dulu?? mungkin betul slame ni aku sakitkan hati die..aku sibuk nk die faham perasaan aku sdangkan aku x pernah fhm prasaan die..in fact aku sakitkan hati die lagi..on and on..maybe till now..aku masih x kenal diri aku sndiri...i'm so sorry for what i've done..i may not be good for u but i'll try to be good from now on..

this haze is killing me..i'm busy with my exam.."he" bother me at this crucial time..i hate them..why must i faced this now??

next week will be my sejarah paper 3, addmath, physic and agama...omg..i am so worried that i can't score..my dad said "if u can get straight A's i'll take u to overseas.." well i know him well and i'm 100% sure it won't happen..i'm so dissappointed..well that's that for today..see u soon..

yeppi..today's the end of sejarah paper 1 and 2..fuhh..it was almost like a disaster..but it turns out well..anyway..i didn't mean to let she heard it but it's the truth after all..i feel left alone esp last night..i don't hate it but i just don't like it..and about kak oat..i don't know how t tell this..she was like pretending not to know about it..and i confused..well at least my relay with others are better.. 

tonight's the night..i may not ready and don't have any backup..but, it proves that i am totally sincerely towards them about what i am about to say..
"i'm so sorry for what already happened..i know i'm to hush on it and not pay any respect towards all of u"
"but still i want to know what was my mistake?"
"please tell me my fault and i'll try make it better"
"let settle it down by tonight and please make up by tonight"
"it's not that we don't want to apologise but we are afraid that u will get mad that night while the next day is our first exam.."

those are the sentence that i'm about to say..hoping i can make it a reality
please save our relationship..esp with kak oat..i don't even get to see her smile again by now..even others just feel annoyed standing by me..maybe they feel burdensome with person like me who "try" to tackle form 5..perhaps it is..i can here she laughed from here but as soon as i enter the dorm..it must be quite..i know who i am..i don't even deserved to get this pkd title anyway..
#goodluckforsejarah #holiday #chemistryandphysicarewaiting

today is my first day of my final exam..omg!! started badly with bm..which i didn't had any ideas to write my essay..i hope the same thing will not happen tomorrow..btw, sandra said she wants to do meeting dorm with form 5 tonight..i wonder if it will be just fine..

here i go again..it's getting complicated..who knows it will be like this isn't it?? i thought we just awkward bcuz u had another junior who is better, smarter and lots of laughter than me..but then i knew, it's bcuc all seniors hate me..i don't know how and when all of these started..i wish u would know my feeling..i still save epi 2 senior pic in my purse..i don't have any intention to throw it away..why was that?? bcuz there's still left a piece of love towards all of u in my heart..but why can't u see it?? i miss our old moment..old times when there was no hatred..please save this relationship of ours...please let me spend this few last moment by doing something that u could remember..=( 

here i am again today..i hate life more than u can imagine i am right now..i got news that my dad will go to Korea end of this month..i really hate it..it's my birthday and my only time i can go back home to feel the environment at home with my parents..but i guess this year will be another sad birthday..feel like i want to go back to where i used to be..back to my old school..maybe it's the best that i didn't go to boarding school..everything's ruin right now..since the incident of robbing on 24/7..followed by my busiest week last week..with my oral and asean public speaking..now for my oral again and my poem for bm in state level..and seseri i-bowls which i need to usher students from thailand or indonesia..and most important thing..my diagnostic 18/8-20/8..i'm going crazy right now..with my relationship end just like that, i don't think i can live a happily life after this..i miss him a lot..i want my life back..my happy life which i can still smile sincerely...oh god please ease my days onwards..may god bless me..

tomorrow is my first exam of the year!! didn't know they came this quick..i miss him a lot since i found his 'twin'...i miss home..i miss everything!! yesterday isn't so bad after all..i bought books at mph and eat kimchi for lunch..i miss kimchi more than i miss teha..haha anyway, 25 days before my next school holiday..and 1 day for my mid term exam..wish me luck world..hope for flying coloured papers..till then..see u soon..

seserian's diary~

my first post at blog in seseri...this is my 5 weeks not included one week holiday..my exam will be on 5 may and it's only 30 days left..my pulang bermalam will be another 50+ days more to go...i hate counting down this dates...but i'll get to go home on 17 april to receive my PT3 award..but only for 3 days..i hate that even more..i keep crying today after watching my parent went home..don't know why this is happening..maybe it's because my first time telling my problem to my family..hope to see u in my nxt post..bye for now..
#ABPBH2014TV3 
#busylovingyou